I need to give a disclaimer here. #ILOVEDOGS! Yet, increasing I am noticing a disturbing trend in stores, parks, restaurants, clothing stores,and even movie theaters across the nations. There seem to be an inordinate number of dogs being carried in the arms of wrinkled old women or pushed by defeated looking men in what looks to me to be baby carriages.
I know the tourist season has descended on Florida, but really people, can't you leave your dog home? Not to appear heartless, as I am understanding of the financial need to drag Fifi along. Dog kennels now charge $25 to $50 per day per pet, making it financially a burden to leave animals home when that extra dough could pay for a few extra hotel nights. I get that. I have no issue with the little buggers camping out with their owners in anything from the poshest hotel to glamping it up in a tent. In fact, I love seeing the little ones enjoying themselves with their owners in various settings.
The issue becomes when I am shopping for a new dress and I see a woman with what looks like a baby in a front pack carrier reaching in front of me to grab something she thinks I am looking at. Suddenly, I hear a whimper and before I can react, a long pink tongue juts out from the woman's chest, and slaps a drooling kiss on my lips. "Oh! She likes you!" The woman squeaks, as though I'd just been crowned by the queen. "Do you want to hold her?" she continues, jerking the black ball of fluff from between her oversized breasts. Already busy backhanding the dog spit off my face, I grab a handful of dresses I know will not fit and reply. "I'd love to, but I'm in a really hurry today. Maybe next time!" and rush to the safety of a dressing room. I wipe my lips off on every dress I brought with me thinking of the places that dog's tongue had been.
Not long after, I am in the #grocerystore. Let me repeat that. The grocery store. In comes a stocky white-haired woman, followed by a tall and very lean man pushing a baby carriage. He is hunched over as though the wind from his wife's mouth had blown over him his whole life. They start to push past me when I committed the gravest mistake I could have ever done. I made eye contact. She pounced on me like a jackal. "You want to see our little guy?" There was no way out. She folded back the carriage canopy and pulled lightweight blanket away from the body of what I thought to be a very hairy child. There lies a dog, all four feet up, his oversized bare belly and dinker pushed heavenward. "Come on, Sweetie," the woman said as she reached in, her sizable stomach slapping the wriggling form, and plucked the ugliest #Pekinese dog I have ever seen from its ride. Pushing into my face she ordered, "Give the nice woman a little #kiss." The look on the man's face was helpless and defeated. He shrugged his shoulders at me as the dog moved ever closer. Backing away, I moved toward the #checkout counter. "Oh! I'm allergic! He's lovely," I said "but I have to run. I abandoned my groceries and rushed to my car.
It's been coming for awhile. A slow drone of change. #Dogs had moved from outdoor settings and were slowly trying to infiltrate every area of human life. They've gone from good and comforting companions at home to being dates. They are showing up in movie theaters, on the golf course and even in restaurants. They are primped up, dressed up and bejeweled like #KimKardasian. In fact, most of them are better dressed than I am!
It all started with the #servicetraining animals. Someone, somewhere decided to rip off the idea that all they had to do is get a special "service dog" jacket off the internet and suddenly dogs appeared in every "human only" area on earth. When those of us who no longer own dogs got wind of the scam and pressed for "#humanonly" space again, the dogs pushed into the realm of psychology and were awarded certificates of comfort.
Now they are everywhere. I can't go out to eat, to the beach, or to an event without some Labrador's nose being thrust up my youhoo, some overzealous #Poodle jumping into my lap, or some #PitBull humping my leg. I have had it! I don't mind people having and loving dogs. They are great friends and wonderful comforters. For you.
I'd yell at the dogs, but it is the inconsiderate owners that need to be shamed. Animals should be invited to appropriate events, such as dog parks, walking paths or dog-friendly events. They should not be accompanied to grocery stores, clothing stores, indoor theaters, or restaurants (unless they remain outside.) Give non-animal owners a break. Maybe we are allergic, afraid, or just don't like dogs.
I am not going to bring my grandchild up to your anniversary dinner table and push him into your lap screaming, "Kiss the lady, Jaxon. I can see she likes you!" Think this through people. If we are going to make this a battle, I am going to win. I have nieces and nephews that have had enough babies to take you out. One special niece is getting ready to have her tenth child. Several others have between four and five and are still looking to produce more. Don't make me come looking for you. Do you really want me to show up at your local grocery store with a colicky child and thrust her in your face?
As for me, I have picked up my last pile of poop, fed my last meal, and had my last kiss by an animal whose tongue just licked his rear end or threw up in the kitchen. I am glad you love your dog. Really. You just need to know not everyone loves your dog.
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